“I leave with an apology on my lips . . .”
I had been talking with a friend and was preparing to leave when I voiced a view—promptly rejected. My parting words (above) had been serendipitous. I noted the softness and the kindness they offered. They put my thoughts on pause. Later, they prompted me to write about Rosenberg’s process, for I’ve erred lately by using words of analysis when how I desire to speak is in a way that promotes harmony: Rosenberg’s way.
My copy of Rosenberg’s book on non-violent communication (NVC) is propped up on my kitchen shelf where each morning I can see the cover with its golden-yellow sunflower and the world at its center. It reminds me of the four components of nonviolent communication: 1) observations, 2) feelings, 3) needs, and 4) requests. In my conversation with my friend, I had unknowingly followed three of these components: I had observed my friend’s reaction, felt his feelings in the tone of his voice, and met his possible need for an apology. What I hadn’t considered was that on another occasion he might want an opportunity to offer me his explanation of our final topic that morning.
Rosenberg fills his book with examples—so opening to any page to read what I find there, I read of a mediation meeting between Palestinians and Israelis. Rosenberg asks the two groups what their needs and their requests are, choosing a man in one group to speak first. Rather than state the groups’ needs, the speaker instead criticizes by labeling the other entire group with an uncomplimentary name. When a woman from the other group then speaks, her words reflect the same lack of thought and courtesy. As Rosenberg writes, “Here were people who had come together to build trust and harmony, but after only one interchange matters were worse than before they began. This happens often when people are used to analyzing and blaming one another rather than clearly expressing what they need.”* At this point, to teach the groups what is meant by the four components of NVC, Rosenberg offers what this second speaker could have said in order to begin a desired dialogue: “I am needing more respect in our dialogue. Instead of telling us how you think we are acting would you tell us what it is we are doing that you find disturbing.”* In these two sentences all components are covered: the observation of a criticism, the felt disappointment, the need for respect, and a request for an explanation of how her group’s behavior disturbs the other.
My realization is, “One person can affect many in daily conversations simply by addressing Rosenberg’s four components of communication and being willing to differ from old patterns and follow new ones—even in the face of another’s criticizing or analyzing.”
* Marshall B. Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (Encinitas, CA: PuddleDancer
Press, 2003), 53.
* Ibid. 54.