Hope

In the morning, as soon as I wake, I roll to the wide east window, grasp the sheer navy curtain, and open it a crack. I hope for sun. Or, at least, patches of blue among the clouds! This morning I lie back with a smile. 

There is an Emily Dickinson poem that I know about hope, and it has stayed with me because she chose to use a bird as metaphor.

“Hope” is the thing with feathers –

That perches in the soul –

And sings the tune without the words –

And never stops – at all –

And sweetest – in the Gale –

is heard –

And sore must be the storm –

That could abash the

little Bird

That kept so many warm –

I've heard it in the chillest

land –

And on the strangest Sea –

Yet – never – in Extremity,

It asked a crumb – of me. *

I attribute this singular memory to the year my dad affixed a birdfeeder to the north window of my bedroom. I was in the seventh grade. Through high school, I sat beside the window, at the old-fashioned desk, doing homework for hours—and birdwatching.

A re-reading of the full poem has given me a new way to think about hope, though. Dickinson sees the source of hope as a part of our individual soul that leaves the Oversoul and enters a womb at the time of our physical birth.  

Lastly, this quote by Meher Baba* that, since learned, has guided me through every change of my life—always with hope!

                        It is infinitely better to hope for the best than to fear the worst.*                  

My realization is, "There is the learning in life that comes explicitly. Then, there is the learning that comes from a leap—that stops at different times of our lives—to bring seemingly disparate moments together in new understanding."

* The poem may be found at: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/42889/hope-is-the-thing-with-feathers-314.

* Meher Baba is referred to as the God-Man whose soul had come in previous incarnations and eras as Zoroaster, Ram, Krishna, Buddha, Jesus, Muhammed, and this time as Meher Baba.

* https://www.avatarmeherbaba.org/erics/literacy.html. para 6.

My Realization

Photo courtesy of Scott Cramer

Care
As if the sun
Does not
Allow
Clouds

I am
As I was
Unrecognized
By
You

Shed tears for
Freedom
Wipe
The Wetness
Do

In woods
Of thoughts
The sun
Is
Compassionate

A lamb
Of
Innocence
Aging
Leapt

I circled higher                        
The mountain
Of others
Until
Free

I gave
Away
Forgiving
To
Everyone

Put one foot
On the Magnetic
Highway
The other
Follows

Speaking to
Him
You are within
But
Smile without

Many thanks to Jon Meyer for the inspiration for the poem form.
Jon Meyer, Clouds: love poems from above the fray (Lexington, MA: Joshua Tree Interactive, 2022).

Thought, Emotion, and Feelings Part Five: Embarrassment

Pikachu character from Pokémon, drawn by grandson

It is about 1952, and I am nine or ten, an age of increasing independence. The sitter for my younger sister and me is talking with me on the front brick walk of our colonial home when my mother returns, dressed for the meeting she had just attended, including her three-inch high heels. Mrs. Mills laughs when my mother questions her about our behavior—the flute notes of our sitter’s voice rising to her silver-gray permed hair as she offers her response. My mother compliments her on a new hairdo, then turns and asks me, "Barbara, what do you think of Mrs. Mills' new hairdo?" "I don't like it," I promptly answer. My mother halts while opening her purse and looks at me. I hear, "That's not a nice thing to say, Barbara." My name feels pinned to the air I am breathing by the tone of her voice. 

In 2020, with an awareness of my lack of self-possession to speak in certain situations, I began writing this series on "Thought, Emotion, and Feelings." I have felt awful, but kept silent too often. In this remembered situation, I become the inner mother of the girl I was that day.* With the intention of speaking to Barbara so that she feels safe, understood, and can learn another way she might have answered on that day, in my mind, I look at her and say, "Barbara, I’ll bet Mrs. Mills might like to hear which hairdo of hers you do like. She likes you. She likes to be your sitter." I rescue a part of my past with the repair of a memory of an incident from my youth. 

Dr. Paul Ekman* lists our six basic emotions as sadness, happiness, fear, anger, surprise, and disgust. I think about how four of them might have been present in that brief conversation with my mother, beginning with my surprise at how my honesty was treated. I might have felt sadness for not understanding why I had acted wrongly. At a subconscious level, I might have felt anger for standing out in the wrong way. Deeper still, in my unconscious, a tiny seed of fear that Barbara was not a good enough person might have been planted right then.

My pursuit of a fuller understanding of thought, emotion, and feelings brought me to Marshall B. Rosenberg’s explanation of “Compassionate Communication.” In his book, Nonviolent Communication, A Language of Life, he offers full-page listings of feelings for when our needs are being met, and when they are not being met.* I'd been embarrassed that day, and in other subsequent situations, and now I knew why I'd felt low. My needs had not been met.

My realization is, "What matters is understanding what our emotions and feelings reveal of whether are needs are, or are not, being met as a starting point for conscious change."

*  Lucia Capacchione, Recovery of Your Inner Child: The Highly Acclaimed Method For Liberating Your  Inner Self (NY: Simon & Schuster, 1991).
* Dr. Paul Ekman pioneered the study of the emotions and how they relate to facial expressions.
Learn more about his life and work https://www.paulekman.com/about/paul-ekman/
Theory on the human’s basic emotions https://online.uwa.edu/infographics/basic-emotions/
* Marshall B. Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (Encinitas, CA:
PuddleDancer Press, 2003), 44-45.